THE Element of Freedom

I love this album. So many nuggets of truth delivered on the voice of an angel and through her hands turning the white and black keys into magical messengers of rhythm and melody.
So emotional, romantic, strong, vivacious.
I see so much of myself mirrored in Alicia Keys and her music.
I am by no means making a talent comparison, but i feel that her music truly speaks to me in a unique way. Im sure millions across the globe feel the same way.

Love is blind, i have been told this my entire life. But for me, not having a true grasp on what love feels like, how would i know? I only know of what love looks like as sacrifice (the Great example of Christ's sacrifice for sinful man). There are people in my life that i am willing, even desiring to sacrifice for. Does this mean that i love them?
What do you do when one whom you want to sacrifice for withdraws leaving an emptiness inside of you?
You find a way to make it without them.
But i dont want to do that. It is painful, like everywhere i walk there is a weight strapped to my heart.
I am afraid of knowing that i love someone. Thats putting myself out there to be loved back or not.
I am afraid to be vulnerable to that extent, but i cant lie to my heart.
My heart is full of smiles, and i caught a glimpse of her smile, but it has since faded away while my smile has grown.
I don't presume to know of love, but i know my love is Strong.
There cant be time constraints on the origins of Love, it can be developed over months and years, or it can spring up in a night, or something in between. It is not an equation in its source. Love is like the sea, tumultuous and overpowering, taking you over and taking you under.
But when i am the only one drowning in that sea, and she is standing on the shore.....
The fear of unrequited feelings, unrequited love is a deep fear in me.
I have for a long time held myself aloof from that possibility.
It was reserved for fools who didnt see the signs along the road that ended in a precipice.
Am i now that very "fool"?
It would be very different if we were separated by distance and time. It wouldnt hurt as much.
The truth is that we could be right next to eachother every minute, but it is a different type of distance that has begun to separate us.
Honestly, i shouldnt be shocked. Alongside the fact that i should know that the people that i really care for may not feel the same way, there is the fact that she had articulated that but i blindly pushed forward propelled by forces- beyond of my control? perhaps.

Once you get a taste of what it feels like to fly, its hard to take better judgement seriously.
I hoped it would stay and last forever. Naive? perhaps, but dont we all wish for that?

These are my feelings. Do i know 100% if they are true? Not at the moment, but time will tell.
And if (God forbid) i am correct, what must i do with this love that i have still in me because she can not, will not, accept it? Must i kill this love? How does love die?
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we dont know how to replenish its source...it dies of blindness...of tarnishings." This speaks of a true love that has developed between two people. In my case, what to do with this undeveloped love? The death of it will indeed not be natural. It is ironic that the blindness that often defines love can be the cause of its death.
I hope my love need not die, but that it will be able to flourish and be embraced and returned by her.
If not, Gods will be done. He is my ultimate comfort. Truly God looks down on the plans of men and laughs. soli deo gloria.

Her music helps my heart to speak as it has in this post. "Pray to Him, He will show". Ultimately i live to see Gods smile, to please Him. But life does throw a curveball every now and then. What to do.

Merry Christmas to all.
May the peace of God be with you in this season of celebrating his birth.
--D Weazy

Some body else is thankful....

Driving to the airport....there was a green light but everyone was slowing down and i was like why???

Come to find out a clan of 20 or so wild turkeys were jus chillin in the road and off to the side! my car was definitely 1 inch away from one of them and he/she didnt budge!!

As i continued to drive i had to ask myself what the hell are these turkeys doing in the middle town? and where is this new found boldness coming from?

Then it hit me!!

They are out and about and jubilant and bold as ever because they made it through another year!!! its two days after thanksgiving and apparently they cant hold back their excitement any longer.

But im sayin you guys are dumb cus i know there are people like me and i dont get tired of turkey until after christmas...

So if any of you turkeys are cruisin the web...SAVE THE CELEBRATION! Dont pop bottles yet...wait about a month. im just sayin. Look out for your own.

d weazy

What is a Whammy? What is a remora? DEFINE!!!

Thanksgiving 2009 was good.
My two brothers were there, my two sisters were there, one with her husband and carrying their child inside her, and the other with her husband to be.
My parents, my aunt and uncle, my three beautiful cousins and their brother michael, (mike you are beautiful too, just not in the same way).
My Grandfather.
My sisters parents in law.
18 in all.

We ate well.
Had the traditional intense wiffle ball game...and witnessed necessity leading to technological innovation. As light fled the scene during the game, we whipped out glow-in-the-dark wiffle balls.
My team won. CONVINCINGLY
Enough said.

We played the Dictionary Game where you find a ridiculous word in the dictionary, and then teams make up believable definitions (two of the words used are in this blog title), then every team has to choose from the pile what they believe is the correct definition. Without explaining all the details any further i will just say its very fun and OF COURSE gets competitive.
My team started off slow BUT finished strong to get second place.

BUT

More important then anything that we did or said on thursday, is the fact that we were all together and we all knew who to thank for that incredible gift. And that is mainly why i am thankful this thanksgiving.
And BTW get this "Turkey day" crap outta town yo! Pull out your early american history books, dust it off, crack it open and have a read. You will see why the day is called thanksgiving and why it always should be.

Ummm, ya just so you people dont incriminate me for saying im only thankful for 1 thing (which i didnt really say), here are a FEW other things that i am thankful for this season:
-some very special people in my life lately and the positive influence that they have had on me
-for making it through another year of football relatively unscathed.
-my roomie B-Rizzock and the relationship we have (no homo).
-that my birthmom and her husband could come out all the way from florida for a game.
-for a loving, faithful, and stable family; in this i am truly blessed twofold and beyond measure.

Those are a few things. I Aint no preacher, but i aint no sucka either, so for those of you that read this, take a minute to think about what you have to be thankful for, i guarantee there is something. Let thinking about it put a smile on your face. Better not let me see you with a scowl or something negative on your face! haha-ha....im really not a funny person at all im realizing.
probably you laugh at me not with me....yep.

Anyway, im trying to write on here more because SOme people are pressuring me to do so.
Ill be back, untill then- BE Thankful!
d weazy

Birthday Post

I am very blessed.
20 years...to be honest it seems like soo many more...in the past 2 years i feel like 10 have gone by....maybe just the gravity of events that have transpired..."grown-up"events.

Anyway its 10:50 in the AM on my birthday (November 17th 2009) and already some crazy shit has occured (obviously crazy enough that i felt the urge to write it down while still fresh in my mind).

Every tuesday i drive to Florin Highschool in Sacramento to do mentorship and workshops with the students. Today was the same. I left at about 9:50 AM. Got on the I-80 toward sac and immediately noticed that there was almost nobody on the stretch of road i was on...which is weird cus its a busy freeway. Anyway, i had my music playin, feelin pretty good, jumped into the fastlane goin about 80. There is a white honda in front of me going the same speed...cruisin. About 5 min go by and i see a white car pullin up behind me. Cop. he pulls up on my right and mouths to me to follow him then he pulls ahead and gets between me and the white honda and throws on his lights and signals the honda off the road also. At this point im thinking, "WTF!" and "really? on my birthday?" at the same time. so we are all pulled off the freeway; white honda, cop, me. He comes over...usual crap..."i pulled you over because of your speed....blah..blah..where you headed....blah...license and reg...."
Now i dont curse much...but at this point as he walks back to the patrol car with my license and my insurance information...in my mind im thinking "fuuuuccck". couldnt you just have mercy on a guy on his birthday? A double pullover? WTF! never heard of that EVER.
then its the approx 10 min period when im just sitting in the car waiting..trying to figure out how im going to deal with this...and im late to work. random thoughts...like seeing the "now hiring" bumper sticker on the cop car and wondering if anybody had ever been pulled over...saw the sticker, called the number...and became a cop.
Finally the offficer talks to the white honda...then walks over to my car.
"i was about halfway thru filling out ur ticket when i realized its your birthday man...im sorry"
(me) "yep, its my birthday"
(cop) mmmm...well i cant throw it out cus it was already registered when i realized...(thinking) have you done traffic school before?
(me) yes about a year and a half ago.
(cop) perfect you can do traffic school on line cus i put u at a lower speed.
(me in my head) grrreeeeeaat.
(cop notices my football sweats) how long you been playing for UCD?
(me) two years
(cop,) gets excited) well i played for the ags too! b-b-back in the early nineties...man i feel reall bad now since its your b-b-birthday and we are both aggies
awkward pause
pause
(talking about football, small talk, me trying to be as nice as possible as i see a possible miracle about to unfold)
(cop) listen, i really feel bad about the ticket, so hypothetically if you challenge it in court and i dont show up or i cant recollect the incident, the ticket will be dismissed...wink wink
(miracle in progress)
(me) i understand you perfectly officer
(cop) oh shit this is causeway classic week too!
(me) yessir\
(c0p) go kick their ass, i fuckin hate those guys
(me) will do
pretty much end of story...what are the chances:
1 that i get pulled over by the CHP on my birthday
2 that it is a double pullover(which btw i asked him how often they do that and he said rarely)
3 that the cop is a aggie football alum
4 that he noticed that i play football
5that he mentions a loophole
6 that he has a stutter
7 that he was on the last aggie fball team to win an outright conference championship in '92
8 he is coming to the game on saturday.
crazy birthday already and its only the 11th hour.
d weazy

Some People....

Some People just cant seem to appreciate how busy life can get sometimes.

Some People always look at the color of the cup instead of what is filling it.

Some People dedicate all their energy to other people and find they have none left for themselves.

some people...

enough of that.

People do alot of things. Most of us have no control over what other or some people do. We DO have control over what we do.

So im going to get back to what i started: the Real Talk Chronicles. Those of you reading this that know what im refering to...kudos.



Real Talk 101 (the 3rd installment i beleive)





"how lovely is your dwelling place, Oh Lord of hosts,

my soul longs, even faints, for your courts.

and my heart and flesh sing for joy, to the Living God.

For a day in your presence is far better to me then gold,

or living my whole life somewhere else.

And i would rather be a doorkeeper in your fold then to take my fate upon myself.

For you are my sun, and my shield, and you have loved me from the start,

and the Highway to your City runs through my heart." -holy scripture-

Honesty, Fidelity, and Communication. The three main ingredients for any sucessful relationship. Then why are soo many couples out there like sinking ships? Where is the disconnect? I beleive out of the three the disconnect occurs in Fidelity. People dont think about what they are getting into. The fire flares for a month or two or maybe a year...and without a constant supply of oxygen, like any flame, it dies down. It almost seems inevitable, but every once in a while a relationship works and lasts...And they say "it just worked!"

Let me make it clear. that is the exception to the rule! Once the fidelity foundation becomes shakey, then communication slacks (sometimes due to guilt or just lack of interest), and then lastly Honesty tumbles down as well because there is a lack of trust fostered by less open communication. The lack of trust causes people not to be fully honest which in the end leads to outright lies. And TADAA! you have a rotten relationship soon to end in tragedy and at least one broken heart, but irreprable damage to both involved.

And they say better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. Only partially true. How we define "love" today differs considerably from the love referred to in the saying. So often today exploitation replaces love, thats when its better to not have"loved" at all.

Everyone is out there looking for their answer. The ultimate example is Christ and the church. Love, Sacrifice, Faithfullness. He gave His one and only son, who loved us soo much He died on the cross for us. Ultimate, unending love. If more people modeled their relationships after that. If more people were willing to sacrifice. If more people were selfless. If more people began their relationships in His solid foundation, then more people would be faithful.

If.

But unfortunately we all play the fool sometimes and we learn things the hard way.

Its good to be back on here writing...ill get some poetry in soon...

d weazy. GBTG!

EBBANDFLOW (in memory of Ardeth Anne Smith, "One of the sweetest somebody's that i have known")

I LOVE LIFE
I LOVE MY FAMILY
I LOVE THE BIGGER FAMILY CONCEPT
I LOVE MY TEAM
I LOVE GOD

I HATE DEATH

death the cycle, from dust we come-to dust we return.
death the thief, after that last breath there are no more- NO MORE.
death the passage into eternal glory.
death the shocker, someone that you cannot fully prepare to meet until you are face to face.

But as i have been forced to deal with death over the passed week, i have lessened in my hatred of death.
My grandma is in Heaven.
no pain
no tears of sorrow
smile forever.
before the throne.
Through her passing my family came together in a very special way. Her three sons and their children and families shed tears together for one that we all loved.

It is true that you never really realize what u had until it is gone. What i had. A constant support in prayer and encouragement, the reason my father is who he is and what i have to emulate in my own future. To her the family was ultimate and thus she dedicated everything she had to keeping it stable and intact.
There is soo much to say about her...here is not the place for that. And to be honest she would protest every compliment to her if she were here.

Her 77 year life journey ended last sunday.
But the effects of her life LIVE ON.
and this is the punchline.
wat will be left after the ashes are scattered or the coffin buried?
Do not make this question a main concern, just live well, love hard, love God, be kind to others, be selfless, try to emulate Christ in your life and the question will take care of its self.

Brink of Betrayal

I recently had the privilege of viewing one of the most beautiful geographic landmarks in the world from the air.  Flying over the Grand Canyon is something i will never forget. Although i was 30,000 feet in the air, the canyons vivid character was clearly visible and majestic.  As i took in as much as i could, i wondered what it would be like to be standing at the edge of the mile deep monster, peering down, almost enchanted to jump.  

  I now revisit that thought.

I am at a crossroads, a fork, a dead end, a tollbooth, whatever ... any place that requires me to stop and make a decision. This is no easy, peace of cake, walk in the park deal. This is real live sequence, no anesthesia, no warning.  Staring over the edge at the unknown.  Not really knowing how to respond... because the outcome is still to come.  Speculation is heading off the investigation, holding jurisdiction over it, having a higher clearance level then disbelief, naivety, and even communication. 

And this calls into question my person as well.  Obviously i dont know myself because i would never have put myself in the category that i am in now.  Possibly duped.... low-key fooled like telling the 2 year old that we will come back to the park later.

Why is this happening?

There's is no way to know the answer at this point.

And yes, as i peer down into the grand canyon in my mind i am slightly tempted to jump.  Just to know what it feels like.

But i will not jump. 

Will i be pushed? 

That is a great question.